I lost my little black notebook and I’m FREAKING THE FUCK OUT
All I’ve really collected in there in the past couple of years are clothing/stuffed animal design sketches and some programming shortcuts for my old job, just random hodgepodge really, but before that is my heart and soul scrawled out on paper. I have a very troubled past, and it’s all there in that book. The writings and things in there are many years old, but there are some thing’s that you write down for yourself only :c it’s the closest thing I’ve ever had to a diary I suppose. God I don’t know what I’ll do if someone I care about picks that up and reads it. I just can’t bear rehashing some of those events and feelings again. I’m so miserable right now D:
GUYS. HEY GUYS
IT’S SEPTEMBER WHICH MEANS NEXT MONTH IS OCTOBER AND HALLOWEEN IS IN OCTOBER WHICH MEANS HALLOWEEN IS LIKE LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY WHICH MEANS ALL OF MY SKULLS AND SCARY STUFF IS APPROPRIATE NOW AND I CAN START MAKING MY SILENT HILL NURSE COSTUME
I shouldn’t listen to Car Radio on repeat while driving.
I drove 30 mins to get home, and don’t quite really remember the trip. My brain is scary sometimes.
Out of nowhere, I’m overwhelmed by this suffocating feeling of isolation.
So today I went to a balloon ceremony for suicide awareness
Hosted by one of the strongest people I know. Normally I have a small ping of guilt, though I am also there in remembrance of people I have lost, I am also there as a survivor of my own self destruction. This time, she made me feel like I didn’t have to have that guilt. She reminded me that I don’t deserve to feel worthless, or guilty, or any of the other thoughts that race through my mind when I think about my past.
It’s something I needed to hear today, as I’m rounding on 2 years of learning to face my inner and outer problems head on, without letting my demons tell me that I’m not worth the struggle to pull through. I’ve been given second, and third, and fourth chances to come out and live my life the way I need to live it.
It just kills me inside that people like Jade, and all of the other souls that couldn’t see a way through, weren’t given the same graces I was. Their beautiful lives cut short because instead of opening up to let the love in, they were blinded by it because emptiness wouldn’t relent.
I just still can’t help but wonder what I’m meant to do that’s so special to deserve this. I suppose I’ll find out eventually though.
Jasmine, I don’t know what this world would be without people like you <3
So tomorrow I take my Microsoft exam again…
And I’m fucking freaking out. I have to pass it this time because if I don’t then the ratio of certified employees won’t be high enough because there’s only 4 people that work there and I’m the only system engineer right meow and what kind of system engineer can’t pass a fucking test and if I don’t pass it then the company could lose it’s credibility and it’s the 4th time I’m taking it and I had to pay for it myself this time and that put me in the hole $150 and I’m scared because I think I’m too stupid to pass this and I don’t want to lose my job and I don’t want the company to go down because my boss had so much faith in me and hired me because he thought I was smart and would learn quickly but all I’m proving is that I suck and I’m so bad at taking tests and that’s one of the reasons why I had to drop out of university and I feel like such a fucking failure and OH MY GOD I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT OVER THIS I WISH I COULD STOP. Why do I do this to myself?
Even if I’m a little bit remotely sad
I can come on here and feel a lot better. Thanks guys
I’m such an awkward human
Today I was setting up a new employee with his credentials to log in, and he was prompted to create a new password. My words, “You can set your little heart’s… desire to whatever you want password to be… *mumbles* I don’t English very well…”