Regret in a Cigarette

Regrets like cigarettes
Burning away with exhales and sighs
Watch the troubles go up in smoke and be done
With 19 more smoldering in your pocket
Potential benign like unburned tobacco
Only deadly once set aflame
Watch it consume you, and taint the world
Whether in plumes of destruction or wisps of doubt
The savory seduction of the wild side
Reprecussed with the hack of consequence
Visualization of little self value
While the lingering inner rotting prevails
Regrets like cigarettes how?
Indulgence is optional.

Tell me how I feel so alone

In a world full of humans.

And so many people trying to keep me together.

I really feel kinda worthless being unemployed right now. I just feel like I’m not doing anything, and my bills are going to be due soon, and no places are calling me back, and cue minor panic attack. I just couldn’t work in that place anymore, she made me feel so small and inadequate. She tried her best to prove to me that I was nothing, and it was starting to work. She’s a fucking owner, and for whatever reason made it her mission to make my life hell. Its not like i don’t already suffer from low self esteem and have a terrible sense of self worth, but why not throw in a boss that reinforces those feelings. Now I’m without a job and money, but I think not being suicidal is a little more important. I just hate that I let her get the better of me and I let everything she said and did get to me.

That moment when you feel like shit

Because everyone around you has legit problems and schedule issues, and almost every problem you have at the moment stems from the fact that you hate yourself.

Reasons why this summer has proven to be one of the best summers of my life

Performing in The Rocky Horror Show and getting back into singing and dancing

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I can’t be completely happy, is because I can’t make every person in my life happy. Though, when I’m not trying to make them happy, I feel even worse. And when I disappoint someone or make a promise and fall through, I feel like a piece of void. Wishing I was nothing, but knowing that the absence of something is still a form of existence, thus hating myself even more. Then I try to make people happy so I can feel good about myself.

And repeat.

Prima in Prime

Wandering freely in an existence so lost and lonely

The world seems to shuffle as I stumble blindly behind my eyes.

I peer out through veiled windows as life dances past

Questioning as to how my body seems to have learned the steps.

Like the ballerina twirls listlessly to the classical tune

Wind her up and watch her remorsefully spin through time.

I observe the remoteness between the mind, body, and soul.

My mind obscured to another world,

A paradise created with dreams and searching dreamers.

My body restless with repetition,

Disappointed in a world so unfamiliar and distant.

And my soul, confused by the obscurity between the connections.

Searching for the missing piece to the puzzle

That once connected the three parts to this being.

I know it exists, if anything perhaps dislodged within myself.

For once in a golden moon, I reunite myself with the universe.

My mind projects my body to the utopia I choose to live in.

My soul at ease with it’s surroundings

Sensing the rightness within myself knowing that I am a part of all that is natural.

Connected to the magic in the trees, the flowers, the love within this habitat.

Though after a while, the unison becomes muddied

Leading me back to my locked music box, always awaiting that clarity.

Painted with poise, and always on my toes.

I couldn’t do it…

I just couldn’t…

Oh my god I just don’t know what to do

Now I’m past the point of no return, I’m sorry it had to be this way